The Questions Answered

Welcome to my blog.

My name is Hannah and I am 38 years old. I live in the beautiful city of Port Moody with my gorgeous family and two fur babies. I have been on the journey of motherhood for almost six years and although  it hasn't been all rainbows and lollipops  I have loved it. I stopped 'working' when I had my daughter and as a family we decided the best thing for her was to have a constant parent. So I have spent the last five years by her side. We butt heads as we are so alike but I would not have changed the last (exhausting) five years for anything! We did it and she has started Kindergarten as a fiercely independent young lady. 

For myself, I am a 'trained' writer, although not very successful so far! Words and literature have always been my passion, secondary only to baking which has become an outlet for me in more recent months! I would have vehemently called myself a Christian two years ago, but now I am struggling with who God is, but that is a conversation for another time. 

So why write a blog?

In the last two years I have had seven miscarriages, and my life has come to revolve around my issues with infertility. That many losses has taken its toll on my body and my spirit. We knew we wanted a second child, but we wanted to feel 'ready'. Our daughter has always voiced her want for a sibling - she has been voicing it since she could talk. She had been so easy to come by, we were shocked when things didn't go to plan. Every time I have lost a baby I have also lost hope. Infertility has begun to suck the joy out of life as I constantly wait for something to go wrong. It has also affected my ability to let our curious daughter go. I worry about her more because of the losses we have suffered. Without trying to I have let my fertility problems become the centre of my world and this really needs to change.

A few years ago I didn't know what secondary infertility was, I didn't know about hyper-fertility, these were terms that were not discussed, and unless you knew someone with them you knew nothing about them. Miscarriages themselves have only really recently been openly, and candidly talked about. So when I started to experience my own issues I was panicked and lost. Instagram, for all its downfalls was the place I started to find solace as my algorithms began showing me women in my exact position. Women with the same weird habits that had formed over time when constantly facing these awful situations. 

This blog then is my response. I am not a content creator. I hate photos of myself, and I hate being on camera even more! What I do enjoy are words. So I am going to use my words to voice my own issues and perhaps someone, somewhere who needs to know they are not alone will read it and feel comfort. The same comfort I found in silly instagram reels about rechecking old pregnancy tests. 

What is Infitility?

My most recent miscarriage was probably my most horrific, but also my most 'positive'. It was the longest I had carried a baby since my daughter. Everything was going well, despite finding out late, (as I no longer really test). Then during a blood test, moments before I was heading for my first scan I felt it starting. Although I knew what was coming I went to the ER. I lost the baby there and the following day returned for an ultrasound of my empty uterus. Not the ultrasound I had been so excited for the morning before. It was a blow. I was heartbroken and the world collapsed. However, as I was picking myself back up I sorted through what had changed. Why had things gone better this time? There was one very clear factor. Health. 

In July, I had hired an incredible online fitness coach. I had been exercising on a regular routine, eating properly and healthily. It was a big lifestyle change. As a family we cut down on caffeine and sugar. Was this the reason my body was stronger and carried the baby further than it had before? 

I don't have the answer to this either way. But it got me thinking. Can I 'fitness' myself pregnant? If it works amazing. If it doesn't, I come out fit and healthy! Both wins! 

So this is the journey I am taking myself on and I plan to take this blog along for the ride too. 

Instagram Handle: @momofmanywords